lets see. woke up yesterday at 630 and been up since then so its 2 pm now. thats what? 31 and a half hours ive been up? i guess thats cool. haha i clean the jeep out. its spotless =) smells nice too. i febreezed it. im so pissed though. we finally bought our first home. its a small travel trailer its nice but its dirty inthere. i want to clean it but i have to wait for them to tow it up to the TP so i canhook it up to water and electric. they were supposed to do it friday and then yesterday and now i have no clue whats going on. i really need to get it clean so we can get out of here. weve been staying with robs gram for a little while and its really getting to me. they cant keep their mouths shut about our son. they tell me what to do with him how to raise him and its not right. i cant help but feel imprisioned by these people. dont get me wrong, i love them all dearly but i cant take it anymore. theyre really killing me here. robs been working with jimmy hauling pigs and he works 4 days a week so i dont see him much but hes doing extremely well. its a decent paying job and thats whats allowing us to have our own place. my job is so shitty. waitressing at La Casa Mia. its not busy so i dont have much income seeing as i work off my tips. i really love the people but i cant stand the pay. im looking for another job but so far no good. i gotta get more apps out there. then well really be living good.
Jr is getting so big. its ridiculous watching him grow up. he goes from bottles to talking to walking in a heartbeat. he is, as we all assumed, very intellegent for his age. at least i think so. he catches on to everything really quick. i love being a mom so much. were talking about having another baby soon. idk when but we want 4 total. 2 boys 2 girls. you never really understand how amazing children are and how much of a miracle having a child is until you experience it for yourself. there is nothing more satisfying than knowing you created a life and your responsible for helping that life grow. its indescribable.
i really miss this. jsut sitting here writing. itreally makes me feel alot better. im so used to bottling everything up because my life is going a mile a minute. it really gets to me after a while. im so stressed out with everything. im really going insane. my memory is completely shot at this point. i cant remember anything anymore. im lucky i still know how to drive let alonw anything else. im thinking about going to penndell mental health for an evaluation. my mind just races constantly and i cant think. i cant sleep too well anymore either. its like im trying as hard as i can to slow down but the E brake is busted. i cant deal with stress the way i used to. little things seem huge now because of it. its like im having anxiety problems or something. idk why i havent called yet. i guess im afriaid they're gonna tell me im nuts. an inevitable truth that one can only avoid for so long. i have to do something soon though because i feel like im speeding down the road and eventually im gonna smash into the brick wall at the end. i just feel trapped. thats the simplest way to put it. trapped inside my own head and no way to get out. i cant keep avoiding my prblems and its far beyond my abilities to just "let it go". i dont know how to do that. i used to be good at it but now something stops me and i cant pin point it.
im at the point with all this stress where i just want to stop and forget about everything that bothering me for good. i want to be done with it. i dont really feel like anyone gets it either. robert really tries to help me but i talk in circles so it gets irritating but he does the best he can. unfortunately i know its out of his reach. if i dont understand whats going on inside my own head how can i expect him to? i love that he tries as hard as he does. he never lets me forget how much he cares about me. we have our arguments but i know were both really under pressure with this whole moving thing. especially the last couple days its been really getting to us. things will even out with that though once we get settled.
we need our own space. its unsettling to live under another persons roof. i bite my tongue constantly because 1. i dont want any family feuds and 2. i dont want them to hate me for it. its fucked up though because they dont do it so much when robs here because i guess they know he wont keep quiet. ive pretty much given up on myself in that aspect for now. i used to be so outspoken but now i just dont say anything. i just do what they say. i guess i figured that im not gonna be here forever so i gave up for the time being. see what i mean though about not understanding my own mind? i dont even understand why i listen to them when they tell me how to raise MY child. i try to think about it but it makes me sick thinking about what would happen if i didnt listen. thats one of the smalll things that i cant figure out. its like impossible for me to even have a thought about it let alone actually doing something about it.
im stoked about our new home. i cant wait till i can make my own rules and we can raise our son the way we want and if no one likes it then they can fuck off. :) lol ill be able to have friends again. not that i dont have friends its just hard to hang out with them when i have no money to go out and i cant have them over to chill. like jess. id like for jay and jr to have playdates. i want him to be around more kids his age so he can learn how to interact with his peers. he has a friend now but when i think about it they dont see each other much. my friend michelle and angelo's baby girl Dani. theyre cute together. he gives her kisses and they share their toys. hes a little pimp. hahaha
ive been having a lot of problems with my back too. sometimes it gets to the point that i cant walk. thats another thing i have to get checked out. ugh.
been listening to a lot of eminem lately. idk why but i can really relate to it. till i collapse is a great interpretation of how i feel. I really want to start singing again. i miss it so much. it is and will remain my passion until i die. i just want t be able to go sing karaoke but im not 21 yet so i cant get into the bars. i dont even want to drink i just wanna sing. its not fair. i still want to try out for american idol haha. i still dont think ill make it but i just want to try. missed the tryouts again this year so im stuck wondering "what if" for yet another year. i guess ill jsut stick to singing in the car to my ipod for now. i like to sing when im cleaning too. thats another reason i cant wait to live by myself. i can blast the music and jam out while im doing my chores. ill be able to start cooking and baking again. i cant wait for that either. i love being in the kitchen. if only there was a way for me to combine the two into one kick ass career. id would be set for life and i definately wouldnt retire. ever. =P but unfortunately there is not.
ok time for reality now. i really want to go to bucks so i can start a career but idk what for yet. i got my GED. finally. lol im so proud of myself for getting it done. i got great scores too which is what i wanted. i was shooting to ace it not just to pass and i definately succeeded in proving to myself that im better than that. i really do regret dropping out of high school. honestly if i could redo that part of my life i would but i learned and moved on since then. thats really what me taking my GED was about. i just got fed up with feeling bad for myself about dropping out that i wanted to prove to myself that im smarter than the GED and i did. it was too easy for me. i was in all honors classes and i could have done it. i dont think anyone really knows how much i beat myself up about it inside my own mind. i convinced myself that i was too stupid to finish high school and i really felt like a POS. although i still had this tiny little voice in the back of my head telling me i was wrong and one day i got fed up. so i made the appointment. I remember thinking to myself when i was in between subjects " damn. im actually doing this. i cant believe im finally doing this". haha it was such a great feeling.
i want to get a better job so bad. we can get by on what we have but i want to be able to go shopping for clothes for me, rob, and jr. buy jr toys. just be able to go to the store and not feel like shit for spending $3. theres nothing worse than that feeing. its guilt really because i know i shouldnt be spending it. so i dont. i havent realy bought myself anything. i dont have any nice clothes, i cant get jr any new outfits. i cant even go out and buy rob new shoes for work. i feel like such a failure for it. i try to let that drive me to my goals instead of hold me back though. basically if i dont want to feel like that, i have to get a better job. rob works his ass off though. he does a lot more than what he gets paid for but money is money and thats what you do when you have a family to support. you make sacrifices and in the end when you look at the big picture, its comforting to know that you made it happen on your own.
i really want to clean my new house. ughhh. i even went out and bought all my supplies yesterday for it. see the woman who owned it was a hoarder. she never threw anything away, and on top of it all she had a white pomeranian. so yeah, theres hair EVERYWHERE. its so nasty. im gonna rip out the carpets and lay tile down, i have to de-hair the furniture, sanitize from top to bottom, inside and out, clean the vents and the gas lines. theres so much to do its not even funny. i took off of work saturday since i already have sundays off so i could use all weekend to get it done and they didnt move it. i could have been making money. if i had at least known they wernt gonna move it i wouldnt have taken off.
my neighbor steph is so awesome. shes been such a great friend through all this. i go over her house damn near every night after jr goes to bed to get away from everyone over here for a little bit. its become a routine almost haha. i get off work, put jr to bed, get my jammies on and go over and chill with her and danny (her husband) with a glass of wine (usually) and just relax. i love steph. shes so cool. shes giving us the tile to put down after the rugs come up. she gave me a lot of cleaning supplies, amidst the countless tips and advise. shes got something wrong with her heart and friday shes going for surgery to find out what exactly she needs to fix it. im so worried about her. her brother in law was staying there for a little bit and he just kept getting her heart rate up on purpose knowing her heart is bad. she finally kicked him out after he fought his brother and damn near gave her a heart attack right there. she doesnt deserve that. shes such a good person, and she does so much for everyone. i told danny to call me friday and let me know whats going on with her heart. that way if she has to stay in the hospital i can come see her if shes ok with it. im gonna miss living next door to her. its ok though cause im only moving to the next TP up. theres a trail through the woods connecting the 2 TPs. i told her that whenever shes stressed to just head over. same with danny.
we bought a few necessities for the house on my credit card. we got an eagles bed set, blue dishes, dish towels hot pads, oven mitts, a george foreman grill (hahaha), a deep fryer, bath towels, a coffee pot electric frying and iron, and a few other things. we already have a tv and a surround sound system. Nick (our friend who is temporarily coming with us) got pots and pans from his gram. im getting glasses off of michelle i think. were pretty much set. the bedroom has 2 twin beds in it and were gonna take one out and build the other one out so we can put our queen bed in and fit the pack-n-play. im gonna make cusion covers for the couch because no matter how much i clean this couch its still gonna look like shit. im so excited. i think theyre moving everything up tomorrow so ill be able to get it cleaned up and we can hopefully move in by wed. thats my goal. we wont get the construction done till next week or this weekend probably, but at least we can live in it. im not putting our son in that trailer until its cleaned and disinfected to my satisfaction.
icant believe it! 19 and i made it to my own place already. im so happy. we need our own place and we finally have it. at this point, its all up hill from here and i cant wait to find out what our life has in store for us. =)
thats all for now. been typing for a few hours now (on and off hehe).
till next time.
~PJO | 
